The memories of John Edgar Hoover
by Lady Tiko
Summary: John Edgar Hoover remembers his life, his victories, his losts, the people he met, and of course the relationship to Clyde, the most important human in his entire life. The story bases on the movie J.Edgar from Clint Eastwood.
1. Chapter 1

We note the year 1969. It was a hot, sticky Friday evening in Washington D.C. J. Edgar Hoover was sitting crying in his brown leathern armchair in his office at the FBI-Headquarters. In the back, his radio was playing, a birthday present of Helen Gandy, his trusty secretary ( watch?v=BTIJYe4kUuw ).

Edgar had no power left. He was 74 years old, but still he worked as long and hard as at the beginning of his career. But his lifework, the FBI, which was responsible for the safety of his beloved mother country, was in danger to be destroyed briefly. Today there was the assumption of office of President Richard Nixon. He commanded Edgar to come to the Oval Office and asked him to supervise reporters. Edgar refused, that would go too far. He wouldn't accept to be utilised by Nixon so that this guy could arrange bad things. Therefore the Bureau wasn't created. But what would be the price for his decision?

Surely he would have to resign from the position of director of the FBI, maybe the Bureau would be disposed and Nixon would create his own force. All his entire work, but also the hard work of Clyde Tolson and Helen would have been for nothing.

A short time ago, his long-time colleague and vice-president Clyde suffered an apoplexia. Due to this, he couldn't work as much as before and he lost his ability of high concentration during work. Edgar has lost one of his pillars of reliability. Fortunately, Helen was always there for him. He trusted her so much, that she was the one who keeps the private and secret files safe. She promised to destroy them if something happened to him or the FBI would fall under the control of Nixon.

He coulnd't prevent another sobbing. He would lose everything that meant something in life for him, or he has it already lost.

The love of his mother – she never showed it to him – now she's already 30 years dead and for him the chance of getting it, irrevocably gone. But the worst was that she never accepted him as he truly has been. He always had to be strong, ambitious, better than everyone else. Mistakes and weaknesses weren't accepted by her. As he told her on the evening after he refused to dance with a woman in the club that he wouldn't like to dance with women, she said the most horrible thing to him:" I rather have a dead son than a daffodil." In this moment he realised that he couldn't make the two people the most important to him – his mother and Clyde - both happy. His mother would never accept his love for Clyde. And his affection for the other man could he never show, it would destroy his and the reputation of the FBI.

The respect and the admiration of the nation – because of some bad news his picture in public was damaged and there was more and more critics on the FBI and its director.

The love for Clyde – which have never should been. Which he could and wanted never to show openly, he had fear that somebody would notice. But she was there all the time, even if not visible for everybody. From the first time they've seen each other, something has existed between them. . ( watch?v=-H2Jr_yp_Yk )

As if it were yesterday, he could see himself sitting with two of his colleagues on a table; they ate dinner together at the Mayflower Hotel. Repeatedly he looked to the bar, where a big, slim, good-looking young man with brown hair with a drink in his hand stood and talked with some other guys from the bureau. Edgar had noticed that the young man also watched and smiled at him. That smile made him a little nervous and quickly he looked onto his plate. He heared the sound of steps coming closer to his table and he looked up. His colleague Laurence came in companion of the young man to him.

Laurence: „Edgar, nice to see you."

Edgar: „Me too, Laurence."

Laurence: „May I introduce to you Mr. Clyde Tolson? He just graduated from George Washington with Law degree."

Edgar: „My congratulations, Mr. Tolson."

Clyde:" Oh thank you, Mr. Hoover. As well as I'm informed, you are one of our most distinguished absolvents."

Edgar:" Yes, I've graduated also... ehm...from George Washington, yes. I'm admiring your suit, Mr. Tolson. You should take a lesson, Laurence."

Clyde:" Thank you very much, Sir. It's a custom-made suit from Garfinkle."

Edgar:" Ah." (takes a sip) "Do you have a card, Mr. Tolson?"

Clyde:" Yes, of course, yes." (gives him his card)

Edgar:" Well, here you are." (Edgar gives him his card) "Nice to meet you, Laurence."

Clyde:" Thank you, Sir."

Back to present, Edgar had to smile. Oh my God, how was he timid during their first conversation. As they looked at each other, he felt a strange feeling in his stomach. He was aroused, he didn't want do observe to demonstratively the attractive man, but he couldn't stop himself from doing it. He was confused, he never felt like that in his life before. Jesus Christ, he was a grown-up man and not a teenager anymore. He wasn't allowed to think about another man this way, it was wrong. But he had to admit that Clyde had caught his full attention. His smile was friendly and charming and he looked irresistibly attractive in his suit. No matter what it would take, he has to see Clyde again. Soon he received the opportunity for a meeting.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a usual Monday morning at the FBI Headquarters ( watch?v=XF9odGgoWxg&feature=related ).

With Helen's help, Edgar checked the letters of applications of future agents. After a lot of refusals and a few set-ups of job interviews he asked her, if she had received an application of a certain Mr. Tolson. She said yes and gave his boss the information. He agreed and so an appointment for the next Monday at 4 pm was arranged.

On the day of the reunion Edgar walked up and down in his office. Over and over again he checked the clock, oh 3:30 pm, Clyde's going to come soon. He has to distract himself. So he decided to do some exercises. He opened his window, draped his jacket over his chair and started with some squats, afterwards he did some push-ups. Suddenly the door opened and Miss Gandy entered, after her Clyde. Quickly Edgar stood up, headed to the window, closed it, put on his jacket and sat down behind his office desk. "Your 4 pm appointment is here, Sir." "Thank you, Miss Gandy. Send him in, thank you." Clyde walked towards him and stopped in front of his desk. Edgar stood up, greeted him and shook his hand. "Please take a seat, Mr. Tolson." "Mr. Hoover thanks for giving me the opportunity." "Yes, of course, please take a seat." "Thank you Sir." Clyde remained standing next to the chair. "There have been several problems with your application Mr. Tolson. You neither dispose of the appropriate requirement for our administration, nor you show the…. you show the… (wipes the sweat from his forehead and grips in his hair) willingness to protect the American people and the American way of life. I have to advise you that we are no platform for a fat pay check in a private chancellery, Mr. Tolson." Clyde simply stood there and looked at Edgar with his own special little smile. Edgar felt a little uncomfortable. "Is something the matter, Mr. Tolson?" "No Sir. Is exercising requirement for all agents, Sir?" "Yes, all our agents need to be in top physical condition. We must outsmart and outmatch the public enemy in every turn." "Yes, of course. And what exercises are you performing, Sir?" "Sit-ups, squats and push-ups." "I see. Shall I fix the curtains, Mr. Hoover? Or maybe I could open the window, I remember I prefer some fresh air after excercising. (he goes to the window and opens it) So do you, aren't you?" "Very nice." Clyde took Edgar's handkerchief and folded it. "And Sir, where I come short in terms of my resume (he put the handkerchief on the desk, Edgar took it), I exceed the others with my honesty. (Edgar wiped his mouth) I didn't lie to get this appointment, and like all the others, yes, I would like to have a private practice. But, I could be persuaded otherwise if the right opportunities were to arise." "Hmh. Fair enough, Mr. Tolson." (he harroumphs)

They smiled at each other.

Edgar was impressed of the self-confidence and the polite repartee of Clyde. Most people didn't behave like this to him. Even today Clyde was wearing a custom-made suit, this time in grey. He looked great as if he was the director, not Edgar. Edgar himself wanted to possess such marvellous suits; the best would be barely good enough for him. He had an idea. Grinning he said to Clyde:" Well, Mr. Tolson, you have convinced me. Congratulations, you are now working for our office." "Thank you, Sir. When do I start?" "Immediately, Mr. Tolson. I am thinking to renew my wardrobe; I need suits which correspond with my position. I would like you to advise me on this matter." "Thank you very much, Sir. I am pleased to fulfil your wish."

That was the way their conversation ended. He never should have given him his job, he didn't meet the requirements. But Edgar couldn't let him go. He had the feeling of needing Clyde, with him, he could do everything. This man has to stay in his near.

Clyde and Edgar backed out of the car and entered the huge and imposing skyscraper in which Julius Garfinkle & Co was located ( watch?v=J8dAuSDWpms ).

Edgar smiled. The shopping with Clyde was beautiful. From this day on, he always bought his suits together with Clyde, often they wore matching suits.

Also all of his other tasks in the bureau he mastered. Edgar recognized how well he felt when the other man was near to him and he didn't regret hiring Clyde one second. But he also remembered that Clyde only wanted to work for a short time at the FBI, except he received an offer he couldn't refuse. So Edgar decided to make him such an offer. He could think of it very well ( watch?v=I6PHgtdxFrY ).


	3. Chapter 3

It was after a meeting with President Roosevelt. He invited Clyde for dinner. They sat down on their usual table and Edgar ordered two glasses of champagne for them.

"I've got the feeling that I can trust you with everything, is that right?" "I would like to think so." Edgar looked around and then he bent nearer to Clyde and whispered:" The president signed a secret order granting me increased power of surveillance, and secret surveillance of communist and radicals without warrant." "Is that legal?" "Sometimes you need to bend the rules a little bit in order to keep your country safe, right? To make sure I hadn't heard wrong I clarified this with Secretary of State Hull and he said and I quote: Go ahead and investigate those cocksuckers." "Vulgar." "Clyde, I've been meaning to ask you something." "Feel free." "I need someone who understands what's on stake here, you understand? Someone who I can trust; an Associate director of the bureau. Now I know that you have your current position for only 12 months now…" "No, I've been…It was 18 months, Sir." "You're missing my point, Clyde. I want you to be my number 2 man." Clyde stunned. "I'm…I'm not much for the spotlight, Edgar." Edgar hesitated for one second and looked intensely at Clyde. "I need you, Clyde, you understand? I need you." "On one condition: Good day or bad, whether we agree or disagree, we never miss a lunch or dinner together." "I wouldn't have it other way." They looked each other deep in the eyes and smiled at each other. "I'm glad you accepted my offer. What do you mean, Clyde, let's go to the Club to celebrate?" "I'd love to, Edgar."

This night in the Club Edgar should never forget.

On the occasion of the assumption of office of President Roosevelt a dancing night took place in the club. Edgar wasn't amused of this because he couldn't dance. Beside he wanted to celebrate with Clyde. That's why he made the proposition to drive to another club. But Clyde smilingly refused, he really liked to stay. So he whispered something to a passing waiter which nodded and leaded them to a little alcove with dimmed light. The waiter brought them cooled champagne and two glasses. "Well, Edgar, I hope you are convenient with the ambience. But I thought: If we celebrate, then we do it with style." He smiled a little bit seducing at Edgar. Edgar lowered his gaze shyly. "Erm, well Clyde, it is…it is…erm… really beautiful here, but I think you should drink champagne with a pretty young lady instead with me. This romantic place is a little inconvenient for two men and to be honest I'm feeling unwell that outside there are a lot of people which could see us; and what that would mean for us you can surely think of." Actually, Edgar wanted to enjoy the time with Clyde, but he couldn't tame his fear from an exploration. Clyde meanwhile filled the glasses with champagne. Holding the glasses in his hands he walked towards Edgar and handed him one. "Oh Edgar, don't you worry. I took action that we won't be disturbed. Please get relaxed and spend a beautiful evening here with me, do it for me, please." Edgar couldn't deny him his wish, he wanted it too. He looked Clyde deep in the eyes. "Yes Clyde. Let's enjoy the evening." The time flew and they had already drunk 3 bottles of champagne. With the growing consumption of alcohol they had neglected the etiquette. Edgar had taken off his jacket and loosened tie. Clyde sat next to him; an arm wrapped around his shoulder and painted little patterns on his upper arm. In the saloon, the band just started to play a new song ( watch?v=zmYMkl1Grzc ).

Suddenly Clyde stood up, went around the table and stopped in front of Edgar. He bowed down and offered Edgar his hand: "Shall we dance, Edgar?" he asked with amorous voice. Edgar watched at him surprised, he didn't know what to say. "Erm…. I…we…Clyde…you know that I don't know how to dance. Besides, it's impossible for a man to dance with another man..." Clyde didn't accept Edgar's pleas and simply pulled him to his body. Now they were standing quite near and changed into posture. Due to the fact that Edgar was smaller and couldn't dance he had the position of the woman. Clyde whispered softly in Edgar's ear:" Forgive me my impetuosity but I feared the song would have ended when I had let you finished speaking. Don't worry I will lead you safely through the dance; you only have to trust me. Concentrate on the music, you must feel the steps; the feeling is the most important thing considering dancing." Edgar just could nod shyly. He felt unbearably hot. He felt Clyde's hard well-shaped body touching his; he heard his beautiful voice directly at his ear and he felt the breath on his skin. May God bless him, thunderbolts shot through his body, he was filled with excitement. But he also felt safe, secure; it was as if he had finally found the place where he belonged to.

The song had finished a short time ago and a new one already started ( ); they didn't realised it; they were caught in a different world.


	4. Chapter 4

With a terrifying headache Edgar awaked the next morning. Moaning he touched his head and tried to sit up in the bed. Oh my God, I'm feeling awful, everything hurts! Hold on a sec, why am I lying in a bed?! I'm not at home in my sleeping room?! How have I come here and where am I?! I just remember that I danced with Clyde in the club….where is Clyde?

Suddenly the door opened and a bright smiling Clyde entered with a breakfast tray; he wore his usual designer suit. "Good morning, Edgar. How are you? Have you slept well?"

"Good morning, Clyde. Forgive me my impetuosity, but where are we? I can't remember anything what happened since our dance in the club. What has happened? And you're bringing me breakfast to the bed?! Clyde blushed and answered:" During our dance in the club you suddenly fainted, thereupon the driver brought us to my house because it's nearer to the club and I carried you into my bedroom. I called for the doctor to check if your health was inflicted; the doctor said you just were exhausted and that you need some rest. Thus I let you sleep and spent the night in the corridor in front of the bedroom which would have given me the chance to be right by your side if you would be feeling bad. I thought because it is now 11 am you probably would be hungry and that it would be better in your condition to eat in bed." Shyly Clyde looked on the floor. Edgar felt that his body was flooded with warmth and felicity. Until today, nobody except his mother took care and was worried about him. But he was totally embarrassed to have fainted in the arms of his love – oh my god did he really thought that right now?! - ; this was like a scene in a Hollywood movie only that in these movies the women fainted…. His thoughts were interrupted by the growling of his stomach which made Clyde laugh and Edgar blush.

"I want to thank you Clyde. For everything you have done for me. Would you do me the pleasure and eat with me?"

"You're welcome, Edgar. I'd love to eat with you." He sat down on the bed and they ate together.

Oh yes, the night in the club and the morning after were unforgettable for Edgar. The near, affection, light-heartedness he felt back then…The realization that he loved Clyde…if he simply had found the bravery to tell him. But his reputation and the opinion and respect of the society were more important to him; from his actual point of view a big mistake. But he couldn't erase his past decisions but he always thought about these things. Every moment with Clyde was a very precious treasure.

After a delicious breakfast Edgar put on his clothes and drove back to the house of his parents. His mother opened the door and scolded him as he entered the entrance hall:" Edgar my son, where have you been all the night long?! Why didn't you come home? I was terribly worried about you! You know pretty well that I hate not to know where you are and what you are doing! What happened after your visit at President Roosevelt? You tell me immediately everything!" Edgar told her everything, but the pillow talk with Clyde he was afraid to speak of. His mother Anna was furious:" I hope that this was a one-time affair! You spend an evening in a night club in a booth alone with a man drinking champagne and dancing; and then you even spend the night with him at his house, that's just impossible! If it had come to intimacy, it would have been a gigantic sin, you know his! How could you be so stupid! What did I do wrong?! John Edgar Hoover, I would like that you won't spend your evenings with Clyde, you stay at home or spend your time with Helen Gandy. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, mother, as you like it." While giving his mother the desired answer, he felt a painful stitch in his chest and his heartbeat stopped for a moment. The thought of not seeing Clyde outside the Bureau for quite some time really hurt him, but he wanted to make his mother happy so he had to agree. The rest of the day he spend playing chess with his niece and sitting in his room reading "Gone with the Wind", his favourite book. He had to read it secretly in his room because his mother forbade him to read such "romantic literature for women". He went to bed early to get enough sleep because Monday mornings usually were very busy at the FBI.


End file.
